12/29/03 - How about those dreams …. I have had that rash of dreams that I actually remember. The first and possibly my favorite was the one on themorning of the 21st. It defied all logic and everything that I knew was, or at least thought was right and wrong with my little world. This actually made my day and weekend and a good part of the week, To just be able to hold in my mind what was happening and for if not more than just that moment in that place to be completely happy. Well, it could’ve been more perfect, but I can’t argue with something that good as it is. Then again there was that horrible recount of the accident, I have that one from time to time, while sleeping in a moving vehicle, with someone else driving. That was bad enough to live through, more or less have to relive it several times in my happy place. And then there was that dream I had about me with a random girl, she was quite hot, and everything went well ….. the first time in a looong time that I have had one of these random girl dreams. In any case, things got moving one thing led to another and there we were having sex on the couch, and were hardly interrupted by my father, when he just saw what was happening and left. The strangest part had something to do with the girl though, for most of you would find it hard to believe, I have never seen this girl before but still, it was a random black girl. All in all it was a good dream and I was happy for a little while ….. but still …. the strangest things sometimes.

Most probably the last post of the year with this here tonight. I guess I will start with the lovely and necessay tidings of good cheer and fellowship in this the time of our Lord’s birth. That being said, lets step back to follow what happened following that last post. I drove to Farmington to spend the weekend with Jen (and her wonderful family). When I arrived we sat and talked for a few, then headed to Polonia for some wonderful Polish food and atmosphere. I was immediately reminded of old family parties when we were seated at the 8′ folding table with chintzy chairs and plexiglass covering the table cloth to avoid those messy cleanups. That was a great meal with the sampler platter, followed by the trip back to her house, going to visit her apt and Rascal, as well as drop lunch off to Christine. After which we sat around watched something on TV some football and i think part of Stargate SG-1, before heading out the the TSO concert. We got there early enough to accomplish some shopping at a nearby mall, then thoroughly enjoyed the concert, great music an lights, and lasers. We ended up heading back to her parent’s house and watching a movie before going our separate ways to bed. Sunday I awoke to her and her mother being at church so I went and shot the breeze with her father about jobs, life and cars. What else is there anyhow? Then to the mall to meet up with Sara for lunch and then back to the house and to begin the return trip to GR.

Back in GR, KT stopped by to spend the night at a different venue since my couch is always open, we had dinner, played Super Mario World, and drank before finally crashing around 2am. Work the remainder of the week before the holiday was alright. Nothing too much of note, Monday some more shopping wrapping presents, watching football and packing to come in to town for a week. We ended up leaving from GV at around 1:15 on Tuesday with a few side trips to make it to Chicago before 5 to get my car. We squeaked in about 3 minutes to, and I retrieved my car and we headed to the parents house to have dinner and send Joe and Si back up to GR in the snowstorm. BS with Jon and the fam for a while, then Wednesday sleep in, play with Dad and make cookies, and then Christmas Dinner was an amazing standing rib roast, which I managed to cook, followed by Midnight mass of the 10:30 variety, then to come home listen to music and fall asleep.

Christmas was wonderful, time to exchange gifts with the family in the morning at home, then for the mid-day meal at Dorothy’s house followed by the late-evening meal over at aunt MaryAnns house. All of these were good times, there was much to be said and heard from the old fogies at the events as well as catching up with the rest of the family that we just don’t get to see often. Then to the poolhall to meet up with Todd, Kelly, and Al. We hung out there for a while, then parted ways with Kelly as we headed out to the bar. BJ McMahons isn’t a bad little place to go consume a few drinks. Friday to the museum of Science and Industry, which has been greatly improved. The aeroplanes are always a favorite of mine, but the train layout of production from Seattle to Chicago was amazing, the detail was superb and all around a good time over there with the family. Then to Goose Island Brewpub for dinner and beers, followed by the family excursion to Sam’s (the liquor store across the street from GI) and the trip home to just chill out for a bit and await going out again. Jon and I went to pick up Al, then headed out to the Tinley area to have a few beers and wait for Beth to return a phone call, I guess that didn’t happen though. We had some beers then came back to Oak Lawn, had some more beers, then headed home. Saturday we worked on the Toilet, replacing the wax ring, then the guts of the tank, and by the time all is said and done ….. we still have the same porcelain. Then varnishing the cabinets in the kitched, yes while also drinking a beer, then to Galyans and back home. Dinner with family, then trying to find somthing to do. That failed.

Sunday was a day of working for Dorothy, Jon replaced the filter on her humidifier, while i replaced teh kitchen light fixture, we were paid in Polish food. Then back to the house to get changed and head tot he OA Winter Banquet. Set up for the banquet, eat, talk and be merry with all the scouts and scouters, watch some of the awards, then the Vigil callout ceremony went off rather well, and our 6 new candidates will be enjoying this time. The banquet closes, Jone goes home, i come “home” and get changed to go back out with Todd to shoot some more pool and drink some more beer. It ended up being 3.5 hours of pool and 3 hard ciders and a shot of rumpleminze, shoot the shit for another hour and crash by 3:30a. Today shop for office chairs, get eye exam, and other misc errands. Eat lunch/dinner at Famous Dave’s, now that was some delicious BBQ foods, come home and just chill out, hopefully to go out in a bit.

Now I’m not sure how many people are familiar with the tradition of Oplatki, but oh well, we are. After this whole ceremonious affair, Everyone has told me to do what makes me happy. I really with I knew what that would be. Will it be going out and being a trail guide, staying in IT, furthering my education, I don’t know anymore. I just need to find some sort of stability in whateve form, other than a bottle, that it takes. I need to find a nice girl to hang out with, because I think Abby might be getting tired of dealing with me, jk. But seriously, I have no idea what I want or need in life,I just want to be happy in some position, hopefully with someone. But who knows. I will ust continue to roll with the punches and see where this crazy ride will take me. DON’T FORGET New Years Eve party at my apt, BE THERE.

After another evening out with the crowd, All the options available, and for some reason the most familiar has come to fruition. I could’ve been at a party at Dustin’s or Chelsea’s or the trip out to Livonia to visit Jen. No, I chose to stay on this side of the state due to weather conditions. Which I don’t know if that was necessarly any better to wait on this issue, but only time will tell. I do miss Jen, it has been such a while since I have sseen her, but tomorrow I will make the journey out there to visit her and go see the TransSiberian Orchestra, from what I hear … an amazing concert. I did not attend Chelsea’s party due to the fact that I was not supposed to be around, nor would I really know anyone else there. I did not attend Dustin’s party mostly due to a lack of desire to go over there and the fact again I did not want to go alone. Instead it was the typical trip to Mulligans, which has not happened in some time, it started off innocent enough, but got rather large, eventually dying off to the original few. It almost seems as though Abby is becoming part of the group. My feelings on the matter are mixed, It seems like she is enjoying herself but still staying somewhat distant. Though with all the techno-discussion, I cannot say that I blame her, I don’t even follow all this PHP talk and indepth movie analysis. I know this may just seem odd, but she reminds me of myself, I do not really fit in with these guys, but it is a fun group of people to hang out with. I do not agree with many of the paths of conversation, but hey what can you do but be honest with your self and other people.

That may be the hardest part of life, Honesty. I know that this is an important key to happiness and that it needs to be followed to achieve whatever the goals are that happen to be set forth. Personal honesty has always been the most difficult for me. How can you be perfectly honest with yourself and still have hope for a brighter future. If you just take things as they lie, it can often be a very dark route, only embodied in a deep depression. Otherwise I have been the victim of lying to myself for years now, not knowing what I wanted in life. That is why i graduated from Grand Valley with a BS in Biomedical Science, with a less than sparkling GPA. I could not have the dedication necessary to accomplish the goal of becomming a doctor, and I lost the drive to do so. Now I have no idea what I want to do, rahter I have an idea, but noone will let me attempt this as it would be a “waste of my talent.” Personally I think they just misappropriate my talents in life and what I really can be good to do for people. I mean the fact that I think I know what would make me happy, but I am too scared to take the step in this direction alone. In fact, I am scared that if I were to choose this path, I would forever be alone. Which i Guess leads me to where I am today. I am learning to be honest with the people I love and attempt to let them know what they mean to me. Though as mentioned before some things need to just be buried and move on to avoid the loss of some of the most important things in life. How can this happen when you feel so strongly the other way? I don’t know though I am finding out, someday happiness will come, I am sure when I am not seeking that form of happiness I will fall into the ultimate utopia of life for myself.

As far as the week, I talked to Ashley just now, KT over the last few days and it was nice to hear from the both of them. I look forward to seeing KT later this weekend and catching up on some old times. Anyone who hasn’t yet, go tee Lord of The Rings: The Return of the King, it is an epic conclusion to potentially the best trilogy ever. The cinematography and effects are amazing. The battle scenes are also epic. Dinner with Abby Thursday night was fun, time to catch up on the happenings of the week, and time with Abby and the guys at Mulligans was also great, would not trade that for the world. Otherwise, work was alright, could be betterm could be worse. I look forward to next week, getting my car back and unloading this POS Ford Focus back to enterprise and gettin Bev back. A total of $3685.90 in repairs, subtract my $500 deductible and then there is the hefty bill to insurance. But before Christmas I should be back riding Bev around, showing her a goood time. But now is the winter of our discontent ….. rather, now is the hour when I should be sleeping.

So I have been slacking again, not that I know why I have not updated in the last week. That damn insomnia kept me up and gnawing at my brain until I could hardly function. Long days at work, 9-10 hours anyhow, followed by video games, shopping, late dinners and even more video games. The late man-date with Meer on Sunday to see the Last Samurai was awesome, even though we didn’t hold hands (Ctrl 3). That move was actually very good in my opinion. I have always liked that type of development and growth. I know Rusty will disagree with me, but I liked Dances With Wolves, and loved this film. There is just something about the idea of a people with guns going up and fighting against the Samurai, though as difficult as the concept might have been I thought it worked. There were some weak points, such as the ending. Everybody should’ve died, but I did like the fall back to the traditional culture, and the idea that not every new idea is “the cats meow” and sometimes we need to stick with what our heart tells us. If for nothing else, knives and swords are cool. After seeing this and Kill Bill, I really want a real Katana, possibly a Wakizashi, either way I want a handmade, hand folded sword. Made in the traditional style, knowing that there is just something that if great about owing something that the creator was proud of. Somewhat of a tangent, wow …..

Dinner at Steak & Shake on Monday with Van and Tuesday with Bamm were good times, it had been a while since I had eaten there, and now after that time, I should be good and not have to eat there for a few more months. Wednesday and Thursday were spent shopping with Meer. I spent some cashola, but I will not disclose on what as there is the small remote possibility that those people that I purchased gifts for might read this. I have finally obtained a new pair of sunglasses, the pair that I bought with Laura way back in the day I believe the beginning of the summer of 98 bit it last summer. They don’t hold up so well to being under a falling 2×4, oh well thanks to the Dutch style I have a pair of Fossil Sunglasses. I like them, After shopping on Thursday we went to Hooters, and had some wings and eye-candy.

The insomnia continues, until about 6:30am Friday morning. After departing for Florence, Alabama at 2am, we have made good time past Indianapolis, and about 73 miles from the Kentucky border I zoned, came back to it to see a car that i was rapidly approaching. Rather than quick hit the brakes, I quick swerved aroung the slow moving car. I overshot the left lane, hit the shoulder, then overcorrected and was going East to West across both Southbound lanes of I-65, where I was struck by the woman I was avoiding. She hit the rear passengers tire and behind with the front passenger side of her car and caused me to spin around catching my passenger doors on her rear end and finally I ended up straightening myself out and stopping facing south in the Left shoulder on Southbound I-65. After determining everyone was alright, the cop had showed up. I described what had happened to him, and he made sure she was alright, I pulled my car behind her and onto the right shoulder. Abby and Jen mean time have probably finally grasped what happened, and kindly waited for me. After she was carted off in the ambulance and the office had returned my license and insurance card, We followed the wrecker to the lot, and pulled my valuables from it and put htem in Abby’s car. After spending sometime in the Cracker Barrel down there in Edinburgh, IN mostly on the phone, we established that I had filed an insurance claim, got the car on its way to Chicago on the Wrecker, and figured out that we would continue in 1 car down to Alabama and continue our weekend and then I would get a 1 way rental to GR, then a local rental in GR. The rest of the trip was entertaining, I guess with all the computer guys we just don’t have as much fun as a couplfe girls who are obviously children of the 80’s. There was some good times singing, to the dark music, and Abby and Jen dancine and singing to New Kids on the Block , cover girl. It was somthing that definately helped me to take my mind off things. Friday night we ate at the only dry Applebee’s in the US. After that we went to Walmart and then back tot he hotel to have a beverage. We were all tired, so after 1 drink we passed out.

I woke up early on Saturday to go talk to enterprise about the rental, they wanted to charge too much, rental fee plus $1 per mile for 1 way. But while I was waiting for them to open, I test drove a Dakota over at the Ford dealer next door, $20000 for a 02 Quad Cab 4×4 with 9,900 miles on it. So tempting, good thing I have horrible credit. Anyways, I went to the game and tailgated. Great fun, I got to see my past and present supervisor as they partied. Bill was drinking and well John did not. All in all it was great fun to see Tyler and Marshall and to have the chance meeting with Sarah down there. It was all the friends in a great place like that just having a good time, then watching my favorite sporting event, the D2 national championship game. Which was more fun that the last 2 years, mostly due to the people. And playing with drunk people always gives me a thrill, especially the drunk girls. (winky) After the rushing the field and coming back out to the car after Grand Valley State won back to back championships, we hit the car and Abby was a little ill, and Jen had a headache, so after finidng our way back to 72, we headed for Athens, and stopeed halfway there for some McDonalds and vomit stop. Then back to the hotel, where Jen and Abby passed righ tout and I watched Monster garage for 3 or 4 more hours. Then on Sunday morning we headed to Huntsville and I got that 1 way Toyota Corolla up to GR, the rest of Sunday was rather uneventful, which is much better than the trip down. I made it back up with Jen in 9 hours, plus about a half hour with lunch and the 1 refuel stop. Then stopped at Darrin and Jason’s place and chatted for a bit then came home looked for myself during the game and went to bed. Fun times.

This morning, I went with Meer and took the car back to the GR airport, and turned around and headed out to get a new rental. After calling enterprise, we headed back to the airport to save over $100 on the rental of a local car. Unfortunately I ended up with a Ford Focus. It is hideous. In any case, I spent the rest of the day at work reimaging computers in the labs, and responding to emails. We had lunch, I talked with Lindsey for a while, did some more work then finished some more emailing and came home. I have cleaned up a bit, updated my pictures, backlog and this blog obviously. Also I have had conversation with my brother, interesting, but I am going to bed soon. Go Bears, about time you put in Grossman.

I know, it is soon for another post to this site, but I want to, or at least I feel as though I must. Tonight through a unfortunate revelation of my friends I now know that I cannot have what I though I most desired in life. I am still debating whether this is a wise decision or not. I had nearly decided where I wanted to see my life go, heck I still see some of that. Unfortunately it is not with the person I saw myself with. I really at this point cannot even comprehend how this will not work out, but I guess as the cards lay, that is where I will see them to fulfillment. How wonderful to see this start off the weekend, make me want to jump for joy really. No, actually it makes me even wonder why I am dealing in computers at all. All I do is perform the perfuctory job of mainting orders and seeing where this might disentegrate that I make my living. I do not really know how to interact with others or even how to talk to new people. Everytime I attempt a new conversation I see to find my foot in my mouth, but I at least see some point in continuing this path of growth and exploration.

Seriously, tonight puts everything into question. Everything I thought I knew now becomes unclear, and nothing else seems to reslove itself in the views of the important decision makers. I will take the advice of people who have been there before to just put what I thought I knew in my past and move on, before those things just become burdens tot he new life ahead of you. As hard as that is to say, it is even harder to believe. Even after proclaimed, this decision will be questioned and hopefully upheld to the same standards that have established the ideas. In any case, tonight was not a good night. I had hopes going in to the night that were uterly decimated by my friends to the point that I am wondering if I had the right idea in the first place. The world is subject to change, and if that means an impromper residence assignment, there are always subject to review. I don’t even know the idea of this post. All I know is that I hate Flo and I really wish there was some way to comprehend the change in my life, specifically the interaccting with other people. And on that note, It is time for me to go to sleep, goodnight all.

Well it has been some time since I have posted. I guess I have been busy with other things so I did not get the chance that I would’ve figured to. Typically my updates have been occuring on Thursdays, obviously Thanksgiving was a little out of the ordinary, so I will let it slide. What have I been doing since that last post about drunken birthday celebration. not a whole lot, sleeping or at least trying to for the week leading up to the holiday. Saturday was watching football and listening to football with Abby, Sunday was watching football with her as well. Monday was just an ordinary day at work as far as I can remember. The new *brand* new rental van is an interesting trip, or at least it started out that way. Now I grow weary of the trips from Allendale to Devos to CHS to EC and back to Allendale a few times a week. Oh well such is life. Tuesday was just another average day at work, followed by a trip out to BW3 or Buffalo Wild Wings if you prefer, with vandermj, .hardware, vanlandw, NateVDH and fulljeff. This was followed by a group trip to Best Buy where I proceded to buy a Game Cube with the Zelda games and also purchased Metroid Prime and the movie Ronin. Following this happy little jaunt, we headed back to vanberge’s place and watched some TV and watched people play “Manhunt” until the hour that is 24. After 24 everybody smoked and left. Wednesday was a pretty boring day at work actually. I got to spend time reimaging a bunch of machines in the MAK classrooms, while Meer and Karen worked at CHS and Devos. None of the other student consultants showed up for work. Lunch was a interesting occurrence, I drove .hardware, .hardware2, Zammie and myself to the Peppermill, where we met up with Fletcher and Wes. The rest of the afternoon was rather uneventful, finally culminating in coming home and waiting for Tim to get up into the area so I could follow him into the Big City.

The Big City, run home and unload the massive amount of stuff from my car, talk with the parents briefly and then go to the Willow Crossing again to meet up with Jon, Al and Tim. We had some drinks then Tim had to bow out, now over to the coffee shop, after that I had to bow out, damn these time zones anyhow. Wake up relativey early, around 8 CDT, to take a shower and take to the parents then to start setting up their new computer and transferring their old data to the new machine. This was more difficult than remembered due to the fact that the old machine was a 98 box that didnt take kindly to the external harddrive, i guess nor would it have like the ntfs partitions, so I guess its all good anyhow. Eventually I was able to get them up and running for the most part befor the Lions-Packers did battle at Ford Field, whre I was between the game and the computer. Halftime = massive quantities of food. There was much food to be enjoyed and shared by the family, so much that it actually hurt to continue eating. After watching Chicago and dad playing with his camera, we got some nice family pics, and then ate dinner and pie, then watched some more tube/computer and eventually ended up going out with Todd to the bar and bowling alley to celebrate the holiday and his birthday. Durbins ended up being a dissappointment for a nightcap, the were dry except the Heiniken on tap. Then home to bed.

Friday, oh what a day. Though I guess this was the Big City, a day spend downtown Chicago, shopping, eating and drinking with the family. Lots of window shopping some real shopping, but mostly browsing, it was a fun day. I couldn’t even recount all the stores that I had been to, though I will always remember the food. I truly am fat. The Bergoff for lunch, beer and desert. Then more shopping, lots of walking, my most fun part was walking through the snow to the Lego store and the Apple store, and of course letting Jon show me the screens in the Disney Store. Trader Vics for a round of drinks, followed by dinner at Connies. Then after getting home going out to the bar with Al and Jon. Saturday, more time spend with the computer, getting Jon’s christmas present, and listening to the Laker Football game, followed shortly after by heading out to camp with Jon for the reunion. That was amusing, some pictures on the pictures section. Then attempting to meet up with Beth, unfortunately she was a bit too tired to come out and play. Hopefully over Christmas we can get together and talk. Instead I was able to catch up on some sleep Saturday night, into Sunday’s Bears game. Which the Bears issued a whoopin to the Cardinals, really nice to see. Then some family discussion and a long drive back up North.

This week has been regular days at work, followed by long evenings at home, for some reason I cannot sleep well anymore, probably due to the fact that I am trying to so alone. I think the 1:30 was the earliest to bed this week. Wednesday was amusing by going to dinner again with Abby and then helping out Tod with his home networking issues, and then the trip to Meijer for alcohol. Speaking of alcohol, I picked upa bottle of The Glenlivet in Oak Lawn for $26, that same bottle costs $34 up here at Meijer. While shopping at Meijer, I helped dad with his computer issues, apparently XP wasn’t very compatible with the plextor suite. Thursday I took off work early to go to the bank and get a haircut, and then picked up my framing order at Michaels, and went to the FedEx facility to pick up a package, then went to dinner with Vanberge, and then home for a while, and then out to the bar with Berg and Meer. Still didnt fall asleep till about 1:30 or 2:00 somewhere in there I think i finally passed out.